A slushy, dripping sort of day. Which means, thank god, that about a month's worth of snow might actually start melting.
Never thought I'd be glad to see the back of the magical stuff but am fed up of taking half an hour to get a wriggling child dressed to go out in the morning (gloves, hat, fourteen jumpers, waterproofs, coat, boots...oh, sorry, it's lunchtime). Plus there's nowhere to go when we are finally dressed, what with playgroups and everything else being cancelled for bad weather. I have exhausted all cunning methods of entertaining a bored toddler on my own.
Actually, that's a lie: I have really exhausted all cunning methods of entertaining myself. The boy would probably happily play cars and build snowmen for months, but I've got cabin fever. We need company: which in a place where we are new arrivals and know nobody, isn't easy.
Later this week I have to referee a debate between some MPs in front of possibly hundreds of people. This doesn't remotely worry me: it's a piece of cake, compared to walking into a new playgroup and attempting to Make Friends. I've interviewed prime ministers and been to war zones, neither of which were as scary.
Everything about it makes me feel like the new girl at school, arriving two years after everyone's already made friends: it doesn't help that I went to (and hated) an all-girls school, gaining a lifelong suspicion of all-female environments.
While I had a fabulous mummy network in London thanks to two NCT groups, there's no such easy means of breaking into the circle here.
Apparently I'm not the only one. "Everybody with any sense hates playgroups," says my veteran stay-at-home mummy friend, rolling her eyes. Another friend who gave up work says it took months of 'plastering on a smile' and being relentlessly chatty before the playgroup clique thawed enough to admit her.
I know, I know: they're just perfectly nice mothers and toddlers, and in time we'll work out. But for now while I pretend we are going to playgroup for the sake of the boy's social skills - sharing, taking turns, responding in civilised manner to being whacked with a toy - it's actually mine we're working on. I need to learn to play nicely: if, that is, anyone will play with me.
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I think it is really hard to join in at playgroups. I go for the hot coffee and cake!!
ReplyDeleteIt is no easier for Dads entering these groups - if anything, it is harder, as we are in the minority (often a minority of one). My own experience is that it is easier to talk to the grandparents who are there - they tend to be more accepting. From there it is easy to get to know some of the mums that they know. And there will always be those who never accept you - that's par for the course.
ReplyDeleteThe trick is to get involved earlier than playgroup. My wife went to the baby group with our son from just a few weeks old and made friends very quickly. usually lots of other mums there who are desperate for a chance to talk to an adult between sleeps.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why the playgroup atmosphere is so torturous - I went to a playgroup for weeks and bored myself to tears talking about sleep and weaning with another mother before a chance remark revealled that we both have science PhDs and wanted to talk about it. It's like there's an unwritten rule that one cannot discuss any other aspects of our lives. But I have eventually made some close friends through going to playgroups - it just took a long time to sift through the baby talk and figure out who were the interesting women I wanted to hang out with.
ReplyDeleteexactly my feelings about the toddler groups. nice to know that i am not alone.
ReplyDelete. I've interviewed prime ministers and been to war zones, ...
ReplyDelete...Woo hoo your ego is in a sensitive state isn`t it . This blog is more revealing than you mean it to be . It never occurred to me that play groups were for making friends in , suppose so . In a nappy valley like ours over about a three years you get to know absolutely everyone anyway .
I don't have any playgroups to go to here, and I've really missed them. It wasn't my favourite thing to do ever by any means, but without a focus like that I have found it incredibly difficult to meet any other Mums with similarish aged kids.
ReplyDeletePlaygroups are one of the things I am looking forward to the most about coming back to the UK.
I think it's the same in a lot of places rural or not. You may only find one or two people - after a lot of searching- you have anything in common with. Try to become self-sufficient (easy to say). Go for a coffee and a chat, smile and wave and if there is little reciprocation, remember that is due to their lack of social skills or just plain rude!
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean - breaking into the groups is tough when you move somewhere with a toddler. Our local NCT has set up a toddler networking group because so many mums around here have the same problem - does yours do something like this ?
ReplyDeleteIt is a funny time before the kids enter school, because you could invest your time building friendships with mums and kids which evaporate overnight when they enter different schools, unless there's just one village school where you are. Have also been on a mission to make friends, but more for my little boy than me. He has two older siblings and as a result spends too much time with older children and adults, but just loves being with others his own size and age. He started in school nursery part-time in September, providing a great pool of potential new mates and now I'm not working I've been making it my job to get to know em. A bonus along the way, I've discovered some really interesting mums. Guess we're beyond baby talk now they're 4. I didn't think I needed any new friends but it's been fun actually. Slow progress though and I had to be relentlessly smiley and sociable - it took all last term Sept-Dec, culminating in coffee and mince pies at mine, to gather mobile numbers and names for about seven other mums. Annoyingly, the mums I like best aren't necessarily mums of the children he likes best. Oh well.
ReplyDeleteKeep at it!
ReplyDeleteI had to try a few 'social hell' playgroups before I found one in which I fit. In an interesting experience, we were forced to merge with another playgroup as our meeting location was sold, and one of the potential merging groups were so rude when we turned up that they refused to say a single word to us after they told us they didn't want us to 'ruin' their tight social playgroup!!
Be prepared to try a few if you have the option and consider volunteering in some role as this really helps you get involved. If all else fails, forget the mums and play with the children as they are not usually so exclusive!!
It is worth perservering as you will often come across these mums over time in school, activities, sport teams and in your neighbourhood. So even if they aren't your best friends, it can be handy in the future to know a few faces when you join a new activity as you have to walk in cold on many, many groups from now on.
It can also be a plus to know people outside your school group when the time comes. I am still part of a mothers group that has met almost every week for coming up on 8 years. All our children go to different schools and that is the best part as we get another perspective on issues. I have found that mum's who only have one group of friends (especially from school) can become very insular and obsessive - best to be avoided if possible!
Playgroups are a real trial and I agree that no work challenge came close. I sometimes felt I was mustering COURAGE, the only word, to go to them. I used to remind myself of particularly difficult work situations and self-talk, telling myself hey, you handled that, you can handle this. Some were very unfriendly. I made excuses for the women, thinking perhaps they were shy or didn't know how to welcome new people but basically some of them just weren't very nice. I persevered though, and now have a number of women I would describe as good friends and whom I met through these groups. It's definitely worth persevering. It seems to be the only way to meet potential friends and it would be a lonely business being a stay at home mum without some cronies.
ReplyDeleteas ever, a relief to find im not the only one! norfolkblogger you're absolutely right it is best to start early - unfortunately i DID start early, just that was in london and then we moved out to the country when he was 2!
ReplyDeletetrish you made me laugh with the phD story - so true that you feel like the only thing you're allowed to talk about is potty training, when there are probably loads more things you have in common. will persevere and let you know what happens....
I can totally relate...especially to Trish. Too bad we live so far apart, we could form a science geek playgroup!
ReplyDeleteI think I read somewhere you are in Oxford - in which case I'm sorry (as an Oxford mum) that we haven't been more welcoming. To be honest its a dreadful time of year to meet people as its horrible outside (yesterday being a particular case in point) and so people don't spend hours at the playground - January is definitely the worst month, its much more sociable in warmer weather!
ReplyDelete